The original that was found on the internet. 1 往事如風思如烟 Past events are like the wind, thoughts like mists,
5 只因錯賞昔日雪 This is because the wrong kind of snow of old I enjoyed,
My inspired piece from it.
3 春風莫解秋時淚 Alas, the spring wind understands not the tears in autumn,
4 醉後千杯醒亦刺 Cups, a thousand later, still a stabbing pain upon wakening.
1 On the first reading, thick and wispy sounds like an oxymoron. Thick refers to dreams being unforgettable and yet the details had become blurred. For whatever reasons love has ended is no longer remembered.
2 Something like the moonlit nights could not be forgotten for they are the witness to changes.
3 Spring wind means the days of youthful wine and roses i.e. would not understand the tears of old age in the future.
4 Drinking is the means to forget everything in the past but when sobered, still could not escape from mistakes made in the past.
Sunday, November 23, 2025
Comparative Analysis in Writing Classical Poetry
My version is to be read in Cantonese, hence it may not be a classical regulated piece in Mandarin or other types of oral Chinese. The analysis is done from a view point of classical Tang dynasty form. The poem in my eyes is just a piece disguised as such. Perhaps it is the lyrics of a song but I have no knowledge of it.
1 往事如風思如烟
Deeply melancholic,
fleeting, and abstract but violating the rule of concrete imagery (抽象之病). Good Chinese poetry is built on concrete,
tangible images that evoke a specific feeling or scene. The reader is meant to see and feel the
image, and from that, understand the emotion.
Thus, the line feels vague and intellectually lazy -- telling
the feeling ("it's all fleeting") but no specific scene that to the
reader feel for himself. It lacks the
powerful, resonant clarity of a line like "The leaves fall like my
years" (a concrete image) or "Lonely boat, straw cloak, alone I fish
in the cold river" (a concrete scene).
Violation of Dynamic Tension & Progression (靜滯之病)
A good poetic couplet, the two lines (or two halves of a
line) should play off each other - be contrasting, complementing, or progressing
an idea with a sense of movement or intellectual development.
The two halves of the line, "往事如風" (Past events are like wind) and "思如烟" (thoughts are like smoke), are
just the way of saying the same thing.
Tautology - both metaphors mean "ephemeral and hard to grasp."
The result therefore is static and repetitive. It introduces an idea restating it differently,
but equally abstract, metaphorically . It goes nowhere; no surprise; no
deepening of thought, no new angle. The
reader is left with a single, flat note being struck twice.
Violation of Emotional Nuance (陳腐之病)
Good poetry finds a fresh, unique way to express a common
feeling and avoids clichés.
The comparison between the past to "wind" and
thoughts to "smoke" are extremely common and clichéd in
Chinese writing. They are the first,
most obvious metaphors one would reach for to express transience. Therefore, it feels unoriginal and
predictable - stock imagery that has lost its emotional power through overuse. There is no new insight into the nature of
memory or loss; it simply repeats a well-worn sentiment. It becomes trite and uninspired.
As a song example:"Your
picture in a broken frame, washed out by the rain." (Concrete,
specific, evokes the feeling). "往事如風思如烟" is
like singing: "I'm so sad, everything is gone, it all just
disappears". It is vague (What
is "everything"?); repetitive ("gone" and
"disappears" mean the same thing) and clichéd - it's the most
obvious to say you're sad.
2 轉眼瞬間又一年
The violations here are less about abstract imagery and more
about redundancy, prosody (rhythm), and emotional depth.
Violation of Concision & Redundancy (冗贅之病)
Classical Chinese poetry is the art of maximum meaning in
minimum words. Every character should pull its weight and contribute a unique,
essential meaning.
"轉眼"
(blink of an eye) and "瞬間"
(instant) are synonyms - redundant
and wasteful. It's like saying "In a quick, fast second." This is a
classic flaw known as "word-padding" (湊字),
where words are added to meet a syllable count without adding new meaning.
This is inefficient and waste of space the idea further.
Violation of
Poetic Diction (口語之病)
Classical poetry demands literary/poetic diction (文言) and colloquial speech (白話) is frowned upon unless there is a
great reason for it. For example, using
it in the punch line to display a rebellious nature to upset the social norm.
This line sounds remarkably like a common, everyday
spoken expression just to sigh about how quickly time passes: "Wow, in the
blink of an eye, another year has gone by!"
There is no poetic elevation - prosaic and familiar and weakens
its artistic impact. It doesn't transform the common feeling into a literary
artifact; it simply reports it as one would in speech.
Violation of Rhythmic Flow (節奏之病)
The rhythm should feel
intentional and musical. This line has an
unstable and uncommon structure with redundant synonyms to create a rhythmic
hiccup. Breaking it down: 轉眼,瞬間 (This feels like a stutter,
repeating the first idea) and finally, the core message of 又一年 resulting clumsy and unpracticed.
Violation of Emotional Resonance (淺白之病)
Poetry should evoke, not state. It should imply a deeper world of feeling
through its imagery and structure. This
line states its meaning without evocative imagery or subtlety. "time flies," but does not make how
it is felt by showing the effects (e.g., gray hair, a deserted garden, a child
grown tall). Hence the emotional impact
is superficial – a simple observation rather than profound insight. This is nothing more than a casual and
shallow remark rather than a deep lament.
3花開花落終有時
This line is far more
sophisticated than the previous two – it is philosophical, calm, accepting, and
slightly fatalistic. However,
Violation of Originality / Terseness (陳腐之病)
The highest form of classical poetry offers fresh,
unexpected insight, even on a common theme, avoiding well-worn proverbs. This line is extremely canonical and proverbial in Chinese culture. It is a fundamental concept in Buddhism,
Daoism, and classical literature. Using
it directly as a poetic line lacks originality and feels more like a wise
saying or quotation. Even with universal
truth beautifully done, nevertheless there is no surprise to the reader or
offer a new perspective on that truth.
Violation of Emotional Tension (靜觀之病)
A Powerful poetry often contains a dynamic
tension—between hope and despair, action and acceptance, the human and the
cosmic but this line exists in a state of complete and total acceptance.
It observes the natural cycle from a detached, almost cosmic
perspective. There is no struggle, no
personal lament, nor any resistance and the human emotional core is entirely
absent.
The tone is perceived as dispassionate or impersonal,
lacking poignant and human struggle against inevitability that makes poems like
those about autumn or fading youth so powerful. As an example, "I urge the spring to
stay, but it leaves without a word," has more emotional tension. This line
simply states the law of the universe.
3. Subtle Rhythmic and Structural Imbalance (節奏之病)
Any great seven-character line typically has a natural and
elegant 4-3 or 2-2-3 syntactic structure.
"花開花落 / 終有時" is a very clear 4-3, which is
good but is a self-contained, perfectly balanced, and common binomial compound.
It feels like a prefabricated cookie
cutter phrase followed by its conclusion in the last three characters, making
the line without intricate, interwoven syntactic complexity of a masterwork. The feel is like a "setup and
punchline" rather than a single, fluid, and surprising thought unfolding.
If the three lines are read as a single poem, the tonal
violations are jarring and inconsistent, lurching from abstract
cliché to colloquial and end on beingproverbial cliché. There is no consistent voice, no development
of imagery, and no deepening of emotion. Each line states a common idea about
transience in a different, and flawed, way, without creating a coherent or
powerful artistic whole.
4 聚散無常本無意
This is arguably the strongest of the set, but without
constancy, and fundamentally without intent." The tone is profoundly philosophical,
detached, and fatalistic, moving from observing a phenomenon ("life is
full of meetings and goodbyes") to making a deep, almost metaphysical
claim ("this process is random and meaningless"). There is no subtlety, relation to
abstraction, emotional coldness but with specific philosophical assertion.
Violation of Concrete Imagery (抽象之病)
As with the first line, there is the showing but rather than
telling, using concrete images to embody abstract ideas. The entire line is built on abstract
concepts. "聚", "散", "無常" and "無意" are all philosophical
abstractions. There is no concrete
scene—no "willow branch" for parting, no "shared cup" for
gathering—to ground the emotion in a tangible reality. The line acts more as a philosophical
proposition than poetic image. It
is intellectually stimulating but lacks the immediate sensory and emotional
impact of a line like, "We part at the river, the boatman's song
fades," which shows parting and loneliness felt.
Violation of Emotional Resonance (冷峻之病 - The "Coldness"
Violation)
Poetry, even when philosophical, often retains a human core
of emotion — a sense of lament, joy, or wonder at the truth it describes.
This line is emotionally sterile as it states the universe's mechanism for
meetings and partings is not only "changeable" but also "devoid
of intent". It removes any
possibility of meaning, purpose, or sentimental value from human relationships
- a very cold comfort.
The tone is one of absolute, almost bleak, resignation,
declaring that there was never any meaning to be sad about in the first
place. It feels more like a
philosophical conclusion than a relatable human emotion, creating a distance
between the narrator and the reader.
Violation of Poetic Ambiguity (直白之病)
Great poetry often leaves room for the reader's
interpretation. It suggests rather than
defines. This line is explicit and
doctrinal in its meaning. There is
no room for alternative readings. It directly states a specific, heavy
philosophical worldview (akin to certain Buddhist or Daoist ideas) and is more
like a line from a scripture or philosophical text rather than a poetic line –
it declares a truth rather than evoking one.
A more poetic approach is to describe the relentless, indifferent
turning of the seasons to infer this lack of intent, rather than stating it
outright.
When read as a whole, the four lines create a jarring and
artistically inconsistent sequence. There
is no development, no consistent voice, and no grounding in concrete imagery. Each line states a well-worn truth about
impermanence in a different and flawed way, without creating a coherent,
moving, or fresh artistic whole. The overall impression is of someone listing
philosophical platitudes rather than crafting a unified poetic experience.
5只因錯賞昔日雪
This introduces a narrative element and a specific, poignant
emotion that the previous lines lacked and is much stronger from a poetic standpoint because
it contains a concrete image and a personal story.
Violation of Logical Cohesion with the Preceding Line (邏輯斷裂之病)
The previous line made a grand, impersonal, philosophical
statement and here it suddenly introduces a very personal, specific
reason for the speaker's plight thus creating a logical and tonal
disconnect. The poem shifts abruptly from a detached, cosmic
perspective to a specific, personal confession. This is jarring as if a philosopher calmly expounding
a physics law and suddenly blames a specific childhood event for gravity.
Ambiguity of the Core Metaphor (隱喻模糊之病)
While poetry thrives on metaphor, the core image should be
resonant and its symbolic meaning should be intuitively graspable, even if not
perfectly defined. "錯賞昔日雪" is intriguing but highly
ambiguous. What does the "snow of former days" symbolize? - A cold,
beautiful but fleeting love? Or A pure but transient moment of the
past? Or An illusion of beauty that led one astray?
While this ambiguity can be a strength, in the context of
this simple poem, it feels more like a vague mystery than a profound
symbol. The reader is left wondering
what the central mistake actually was. The
emotional impact is diluted by the need to decipher the metaphor. The tone is regretful, but the object of the
regret is unclear, making it feel somewhat melodramatic or cryptic.
3. A Shift to a Potentially Melodramatic Tone (矯情之病)
The emotion in poetry should feel earned and proportionate. The word "錯賞"
(mistakenly admired) carries a heavy weight of self-blame. Combined with the vague but beautiful image of
"昔日雪,"
the line can lean toward a romanticized, self-consciously poetic kind of
regret but risks sounding like a line from a sentimental pop song rather
than a grounded, profound lament. The
tone is overly dramatic when contrasted with the impersonal
philosophy of the previous line. It
feels like the narrator is crafting a beautiful reason for their sadness, which
can come across as slightly self-indulgent.
6一夜悲肅到明天
This
is a powerful closing image, but it contains a critical flaw that undermines
its effectiveness and the poem as a whole - logic and cohesion, severe enough
to break the poem's intended meaning.
The Fatal Violation: Logical and Temporal Collapse (邏輯崩壞之病)
The line creates a paradox that contradicts the entire
poem's theme which is established in Lines 3 and 4. They are about the cyclical, inevitable,
and natural flow of time and emotion . Everything has its season; sorrow,
like joy, should pass. This Line presents
a sorrow that is static and unending. It begins at night and continues, unchanged,
until morning. The word "到" (until) implies the sorrow has a boundary and may end
or change with the dawn, but the core experience is one of a single, unbroken
state.
This creates a fundamental contradiction: "All
things change; sorrow is part of a natural, impersonal cycle." And now "This
specific sorrow is so profound it doesn't change"; it dominates
and stretches unaltered through the passage of time."
It violates the very principle of "無常" (impermanence) that was earlier
endorsed. The night should bring transformation, but here it
only brings stasis. This makes the poem
feel intellectually confused and emotionally immature.
Violation of Emotional Nuance (情感單調之病)
Powerful poetry often traces a subtle arc of feeling, even
within a single emotion. "悲肅" (sorrowful solemnity) is a
heavy, monolithic block of emotion. The
image of it lasting "一夜...到明天" describes a flat, unchanging
emotional state. There is no
development—no deepening despair, no flicker of memory, no moment of
resignation or hope. The emotional
portrait is one-dimensional and monotonous. It tells of the
speaker being sad all night but does not evoke the complex texture of that long
night. There is no internal dynamism. "The lone lamp dims as night deepens, my
grief grows with the hours", would be better.
Aesthetic Discord with the Preceding Line (意境斷層之病)
A good couplet should have images and tones that resonate
with each other. Line 5 contains a beautiful, albeit cryptic, image of
"snow of former days." It's subtle and poetic. "一夜悲肅到明天,"
is blunt and direct about sorrow. The delicate, reflective regret of the past
is met with a heavy, present-tense gloom. The two images—ethereal snow and
a long, solemn night—do not harmonize; they clash.
The transition feels jarring. The poem fails to build a
consistent aesthetic world. It moves
from a specific, metaphorical mistake to a general, heavy declaration of
suffering with no graceful bridge.
The six lines, taken together, form a collection of poetic
clichés and philosophical statements that fundamentally contradict each other.
7 終有弱水替滄海
This is perhaps the most classically elegant of the set.
"弱水" (Weak Water) is a
mythological river from the Classic of Mountains and Seas, said to
be so light that even a feather cannot float on it. It often symbolizes an insurmountable barrier
or a treacherous, impassable love. "滄海"
(Vast Sea) is a common metaphor for a great, profound love or a vast,
unchangeable truth.
Violation of Emotional Sincerity (矯情之病 - The "Affectation"
Violation)
The highest poetry stems from genuine, earned emotion. Even when using allusion, the feeling should
feel true to the speaker's experience. This
line is extremely clever and intellectually constructed - the
beauty of the parallel between "弱水"
and "滄海" can overshadow
the raw emotion. It feels like the
speaker is constructing a beautiful, philosophical paradox rather than
expressing a heartfelt pain. The
sentiment is: "Your great love will be replaced by a love that is
impassable and false." This is a devastating idea, but its delivery is so
elegant it borders on being cold and rhetorical. The tone is one of detached, almost
cruel, wisdom rather than vulnerable grief. It lacks the raw, personal sting that would
make the emotion truly resonant. It's
more of a stunningly accurate diagnosis of a broken heart than a cry from a
broken heart.
Violation of Thematic Cohesion with the Preceding Lines (主題散漫之病)
This is the most critical violation when considering the
poem as a whole. The previous line
described a single, unbroken night of sorrow.
However, "終有弱水替滄海," leaps
forward in time to a distant, philosophical conclusion. It
abruptly dismisses the ongoing "night of sorrow" with a grand
statement about how things will eventually be replaced. The transition is jarring and illogical. What this means is that "I am suffering
a long, static night of grief" followed by "Anyway, eventually, that
great love will be replaced by a treacherous one"
There is no emotional journey from the immediate pain to
this resigned conclusion. It feels like skipping
to the last page of a self-help book while still in the middle of the crisis. This makes the poem's argument falls apart.
The speaker is not working through their feelings; they are stating two
contradictory emotional states: one of present, static sorrow, and one of
future, fatalistic resolution. This
creates a disjointed and emotionally incoherent voice.
3. Over-Reliance on Allusion (用典過深之病)
Allusions should enrich a poem, not lock it away. The core
emotion should be accessible even if the reader doesn't know the exact
reference. While "滄海" is a common metaphor, the full
force of the line hinges on understanding the specific mythological nature of
"弱水" as something
that cannot be crossed, not just a "weak river." Without
this knowledge, the line's brilliant, bitter irony is lost, and it can be
misinterpreted as a simple, hopeful statement ("a new love will replace
the old one").
This line risks being obscure. Its intended tone of "ironic
consolation" is so subtle that it can be misread, which is a failure of
communication. The most powerful poetry
uses allusion to deepen a clear emotion, not to encrypt it.
The narrator's voice is almost impossible to pin down. They are at once a vague melancholic, a
detached philosopher, a regretful lover, a sufferer in the moment, and a wise
oracle predicting the end. This
inconsistency is the ultimate tone violation, making the piece feel like a “greatest
hit” of poetic sentiments about loss, assembled without a central heart or mind
to give them unity and truth.
Line 8: 再無相思寄巫山
Not only the most classically elegant of the entire set, but it also serves
as a perfect case study to contrast with the previous lines' violations. It demonstrates what good poetic
craft looks like.
"巫山" (Witch Mountain) refers to a classic allusion from the "Gao Tang Fu" (宋玉《高唐賦》). The Duke of Chu upon visiting the mountain, dreams of a Goddess of the place who told him that she was the morning clouds of the mountain, and the passing rain of the Yangtze and Han Rivers. Since then, "Clouds and Rain of Witch Mountain" (巫山雲雨) has become the ultimate poetic metaphor for romantic love and sexual intimacy. "相思" (lovesickness) is the longing for that love.
The inherent tone is one of final, resolute closure,
poignant resignation and the end of a great passion declared by the narrator.
Masters Concrete Allusion (用典之妙 - The "Skillful Use of Allusion")
This line uses a concrete, culturally resonant image to
embody a complex emotion. It does not
say, "I'm over my great love." It uses the powerful, shared cultural
symbol of "巫山" to
instantly evoke the entire landscape of a lost, divine, and passionate romance.
It's specific, tangible, and infinitely
suggestive.
Creates Profound Emotional Resonance (意境深遠 - "Profound
Artistic Conception")
Emotion should feel earned, deep, and layered. The statement "再無相思" (No more lovesickness) is not a cliché. It is a devastating and final declaration. It speaks of a longing so deep that it has
been exhausted, a love so significant that its end is a monumental life event. The tone is heartbreakingly final and
mature.
Exhibits Perfect Concision and Rhythm (精煉之極 - "Ultimate Conciseness")
Every word carries maximum weight and this line is flawless:
再無: Absolute negation. 相思:
The core emotion. 寄: An action that implies effort, hope,
and communication. 巫山: The ultimate symbol of the love
itself. The rhythm and meaning flow
perfectly, with no wasted syllables.
However, when we place this masterful line at the end of the
previous seven, it creates the ultimate contradiction and reveals the piece's
fundamental failure as a coherent poem. The
poem's journey is logically and emotionally incoherent:
Lines 1-4: Establish that everything is
fleeting, change is the only constant, and the universe is impersonal.
Line 7: Presents a philosophical, ironic view of
replacement.
Line 8: A statement that can only come from
a place of deep, personal, and unhealed emotion. It is the antithesis
of the detached philosophy of Lines 3-4.
The Catastrophic Contradiction:
Line 4: If the speaker truly believes that "meeting and
parting are fickle and fundamentally without intent", then why is the
declaration of "no more lovesickness" for a specific person - from
"巫山") such a poignant,
final, and emotionally weighted act?
The philosophical framework of the early lines negates
the emotional necessity of the final line. A truly detached person
would not need to make such a final, passionate declaration of closure.
The speaker's voice is schizophrenic - One moment, a detached
philosopher stating cosmic laws and the next, a wounded lover finally
closing the book on a specific, earth-shattering romance.
"再無相思寄巫山"
is a beautiful, self-contained line of poetry that, on its own, conveys a
profound and complete emotional truth. However,
as conclusion of this particular collection of sentences, it acts as the final
piece of evidence that the "poem" is not a unified work but it
a patchwork of mismatched tones and conflicting philosophies—from vague
clichés and proverbs to personal confession and, finally, to a declaration of
emotional finality that its own philosophical setup has already rendered
meaningless.
The ultimate "tone violation" of the entire piece
is this complete lack of a coherent, consistent poetic voice or
intellectual through-line.
In conclusion this is just a piece of writing disguised as a
poem.
It Lacks a Unifying Consciousness – vague melancholic,
detached philosopher, regretful lover, sorrowful lover and resigned oracle.
It Confuses "Profundity" with "Profound
Statements" - It tells you "everything is fleeting" but doesn't
make you feel the fleetingness through a specific, concrete
experience.
It tells you "my sorrow lasted all night" but
doesn't show you the changing quality of that sorrow as the hours pass.
It ends with a beautiful line about closure that completely
contradicts its own earlier statement about cosmic indifference.
It is Intellectually Incoherent - the logical through-line
is broken. The poem's own premises
negate each other. A true poem can
contain paradox, but it does so deliberately to explore a deeper truth. The contradictions here is unintentional, the
result of assembling high-sounding lines without regard for their philosophical
compatibility.
This is not a poem but a thematic mood board with a collection
of images and ideas all related to loss and time.
A piece for someone practicing how to write lines that sound profound.
A Patchwork of Clichés - using the "greatest
hits" of classical Chinese poetic tropes (wind, smoke, flowers, the sea,
Witch Mountain) but fails to combine them into a new, original song.
My poem has a Thematically Coherent Journey moving from a general, hazy memory, to a specific trigger in the present, to the failure of comfort, and ends with the persistent, physical reality of the pain:
Line 1: 舊夢織雲昔烟情 - The hazy pastLine 2: 曾經月夜今宵似 - The painful echo
Line 3: 春風莫解秋時淚 - The unhealed Wound
Line 4: 醉後千杯醒亦刺 - (The Lingering Pain)
Line-by-Line Analysis/Comparison: Superiority in Action
Line 1: 舊夢纖雲昔烟情
- active and complex. Memories are not
just formless but actively constructed, intricate and beautiful yet
insubstantial. It shows the process of
memory rather than stating its nature.
This is concrete imagery.
Line 2: 曾經月夜今宵似
This is specific and poignant. It creates a powerful, painful parallel between a cherished memory ("a once-had moonlit night") and the present moment ("tonight"). 似 is heartbreaking, it's not the same, just painfully reminiscent. This creates immediate emotional tension. This is specific, evocative imagery.
轉眼瞬間又一年 - Redundant
and colloquial ("blink of an eye, an instant"). It's a general
observation about time.
Line 3: 春風莫解秋時淚
This is a metaphor charged with emotion. "Spring
breeze" symbolizes new beginnings and comfort. "Autumn's tears" symbolize past
sorrow and grief". The line personifies
these forces, stating that the comforts of the present are powerless to heal
the deep-seated pain of the past. This
is a profound and fresh way to express the persistence of grief. This is
a dynamic, emotional metaphor.
花開花落終有時: A
general, proverbial truth - detached and philosophical.
Line 4: 醉後千杯醒亦刺
- raw, physical, and visceral. It shows a desperate attempt to
escape the pain but the final, devastating point is that the pain survives the
drunkenness. It still stings. The word "sting" or "prick” is
a sharp, physical sensation that perfectly conveys how emotional pain can feel
physically acute upon waking. Thus, a powerful, sensory conclusion.
聚散無常本無意: An abstract, philosophical
axiom. It's intellectually cold and
removes the human element.
28 November 2025
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