On February, 7, 2022, Harshadeva De Silva, posted this on the Chinese Poetry group in Facebook. He wrote,
I am not a poet. But tried my hand in writing something that I wanted to be a poem. Shall be thankful if you could let me have your comments on it. Thanks.
Before getting into my thought process, it is always worth the while to reiterate the following guidelines on writing Chinese poetry…
How To Write a Chinese Poem
A well-known Japanese poet was asked how to compose a Chinese poem.
"The usual Chinese poem is four lines", he explained. "The first line contains the initial phrase; the second is the continuation of that phrase; the third turns from this subject and begins a new one; and finally, the fourth brings the first three lines together. A popular Japanese song illustrates this:
Two daughters of a silk merchant live in Kyoto.
The elder is twenty, the younger, eighteen.
A soldier may kill with his sword,
But these girls slay men with their eyes.
Here's my Chinese translation.
京都綢莊有雙嬌, In Kyoto, there are two beautiful daughters of a silk merchant,
大姐二十妹十八. The elder is twenty, the younger, eighteen.
兵卒武器1能殺人, Weapons of soldiers can kill people,
姐妹媚眼殺千雄2. But these sisters can slay a thousand heroes with their bewitching eyes.
1 I didn't literally translate sword into 劍 because I would need another character as adjective to fulfill the word count requirement. E.g. 利劍, etc. Weaponry seemed most appropriate.
2 I didn't think the Chinese character for men, 男 is suitable. So, I used the character that can either mean a "male" or "hero". It has a better sound than either 男 or 士 (member of the senior ministerial class (old) / scholar (old) / bachelor / honorific / first class military rank / specialist worker).
Twelve Criteria for Writing Good Chinese Poetry – Ma Shu Li, 馬叔禮
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzsEPyXvhkM
The program is in Mandarin. For easy reference, I had translated it as best as I can into English. My commentaries are in italics.
12. 真情流露 – “true feelings must be smoothly reflected”
If the poem cannot move the poet, how can it move others?
2. 興發上揚 – “Ascendency”
A poem should be like a journey of the rising sun. There is no need to accentuate romanticism as the sun will set in the end. Cultural difference between the East and West.
3. 朗朗上口 – “to recite with ease”
After all, a poem is meant to be read aloud. If it cannot be easily recited, then will be no be of interest.
4. 如在目前 – “as if in the present”
A good poem is one that is able to transcend the times, it is as though it was written right before one’s eyes.
5. 音韻生色 – “vivid tones”
A poem is like a melody and with its rhyming requirements, it must sound pleasant to the ears.
6. 時空互換 – “time space interchangeability”
Between periods of time is a sense of space and in between spaces is a sense of time.
7. 情景交融 – “blending of emotions and scenery”
Scenery is objective while emotions are subjective. Hence culling subjectiveness from objectiveness will increase the beauty of the poem.
8. 層次分 明 – “distinctiveness through layering”
A flowering tree, with its leaves, flowers and fruits is a thing of beauty. Stripping away all these, the delineation of the bare branches is evident. Without this underlying structure there can be no beauty.
9. 以物擬人 – “ability to personify”
Instilling emotions into an object is of utmost importance. For example, the poet Tu Fu when paying his respects to Kung Ming, 孔明 whom he greatly admired, the qualities of the ancient cypress in front of his temple is used to illustrate the man, a pillar of strength to his country.
10. 創意出生 – “new angles/creativity”
Dare to be creative and how my ideas are different from my predecessors. For example, never did a poet dared to use double characters continuously in a poem. However, in a bold move, Li Ching Chao had fourteen of them in a row, 尋尋覓覓冷冷清清, 悽悽慘慘慽慽 and used it most affectively in her poem, 聲聲慢 (Sounds in Larghissimo)
11. 餘味無窮 – “an endless lingering taste”
After reading a good piece of literature, it should like a stuck melody in the mind for a long long while – 繞樑三日.
12. 妙用故典 – “effective use of allusions”
An allusion, if used effectively, like a picture speaks a thousand words. However, it is a cultural thing. How many would know of Thisbe and Pyramus, the original Romeo and Juliet?
Not all these criteria are equally weighted. For example, the most popular Chinese poem is Li Po’s Quiet Thoughts in the Night 夜靜思. The language is simple, no tongue twisting words and the theme is simple even though it breaks the rules of classical poetry! How many people know of his other superior poem, “Question and Answer in the Mountain”? It is akin to how many people know of Star Wars vs Rocky? By the same token, not all these criteria are to be used at once.
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My comment to Harshadeva is that the Chinese he used is too colloquial for a classical style poem and upon reading, sounds very awkward. I believe to help others is to help oneself. I, too, once a upon a time I was in the predicament but with no one to lend a helping hand. Those were the days before the internet.
My first step is to cull the meaning and tone from his English version and see how to massage the Chinese version into a more acceptable form. In the first draft, concentration is on the theme, structure and language.
雪濃閉門春客綠
長年悠悠年尾遙
夢中重逢一相見
不知何時待君來
This version has no “soul”, just bunch of a run of the mill pretty words strung together. No consideration is given to rhyming or to tonal patterns as it would be too early. Choosing a rhyming scheme would be in the next step. From this point onwards, it is no longer a mechanical method to do things. I suppose it depends on one’s voracious reading of the masters’ and personal experience to venture out into the unknown territory. After much pondering and searching, I came out with the following…
1 雪濃門閉綠春客 The snow is thick and the doors are closed to the greenery of passerby spring,
2 年長路遙頭尾隔 Long is the year and the ends of the road are so far apart.
3 夢中重逢一相見 If only in dreams once more met again,
4 待君歸時何幾刻 How long more is the wait for thee to return.
1 I would not be able to come up with this imagery!
2 Literally, the head and tail end of the road/year is being separated by the distance/time
4 In the original, the sex of the author is unknown. The first line tells us that spring is deliberated to be kept at bay by a closed door. Why was it so? This is a question that has to be answered so that the structure of the poem can coalesced smoothly. It is like baking, smoothing out all the lumps in the batter. Spring is a time of rebirth and carries the tones of sexuality. In the old days, women are expected to be chaste unlike the men. Hence, we can assume the person in the poem is a woman and in the fourth line, 君 is used to verify this. Culturally, it is considered bad taste to use the 1st person pronouns. Of course, if one is the master, all rules are cast to the winds. For example, in Li Po’s Question and Answer In the Mountain 問余何意棲碧山…You dwell amongst the green hills: You asked me why?
There is a number of problems with this version. All other lines do not have the same quality as the first. The second guideline was not observed. This is to be expected since the lines are constrained by the original author’s thoughts. Any deviation would have become a totally different poem written by someone else. This is not editing in my eyes. However, if this constraint were to be removed…
The he 2nd line was first to be changed. For me, the best way is to write out the poem repeatedly, like making changes to a draft. Also, it is not a waste of time as I will be practising my brush writing. I like killing two birds with one stone. Hopefully, in the midst, when the mind had wandered off momentarily, some Muse will come to the rescue…
雪濃門閉春綠客
牀前月明紗窗隔
三秋年長夢裡重 三秋歸期早已滿/過/盡
夢裡相逢惟今刻
Certainly, it is more polished but the imagery of 早已滿 is rather mundane. Again, more practice with the brush to come up with the following,
三秋期待應歸還
夢裡重逢在今刻
I prefer 重逢, “once more met” rather than 相逢 which suggests a first time meeting. The structure of the poem had become more solid,
雪濃門閉春綠客
牀前窗開銀河隔
三秋月明應歸還
夢裡相重在此刻
I thought this would be the end of the exercise but I was wrong. During the process of digitizing, more changes were made. I had reverted 春綠 to 綠春 so as to match up with the second line. It would be nice if it can become a couplet. At the same time, I was toying with明 with 滿, 圓 and團 before settling on 盈. Instead of 裡, I opted for間, for a better sound.
雪濃門閉綠春客
牀前窗開銀河隔
三秋月盈應歸還
夢間相重在此刻
When I was a kid, I always hear my maternal grandmother grumbling about 姑娘十三變, 上轎再三變, Thirteen changes in a girl’s life and when in the bridal sedan, thrice more she will transform! A poem is like a pretty maid, so many changes. Just as I was about to commit the poem into its bridal sedan as my brush writing was to be digitized, changes were made three more times. Little did I know then, that 姑娘十三變 can have another meaning. The terseness of the phrase, which I know now could mean “a maid of thirteen…”! It would be embarrassing to explain the birds and bees to a child.
The problem now is that 秋 and 間 belongs to the first tone. The repercussion of changing the words or the word order would involve more changes propagating all the way back to the first line. I would like to minimize the changes. At first, I tried the following,
月盈三秋應歸還
夢間重逢在此刻
Textually, this looked OK but when reading out the entire poem, something seemed a miss. I still have trouble in total understanding of the tonal rules. The safest bet for me is to let my ears be the guide. These sounds are Cantonese pronunciations as my oral Mandarin sucks. At the same time, 牀前 doesn’t seem to run logically smooth and the change became,
窗前簾捲銀河隔
This doesn’t not sound as smooth to my ears. 重逢 now seemed too predictable. I tried 稀杯捲簾 but no better. Since I am experimenting, might as well do a full scale drastic change…
濃雪封閉綠春客
稀紗推開銀河隔
月盈三秋應歸還
夢間重圓在此刻
Now I have doubled the problem of having same tones around the same place. 封推 and 開秋. Using圓 is an improvement though. 薄, I believe is a better replacement than 稀. I considered using 鎖 rather than 推 but then this will cause logic problems. More time was needed to doodle away the problem. In the end, I reverted to some of the older phrasing. Hopefully, in the future, as I gained more knowledge and understanding...
1 濃雪門閉綠春客 Heavy is the snow closing the doors to the greenery of passerby spring,
2 薄紗簾捲銀河隔 Thin is the silk rolling up the drapes but the Milky Way still separates us.
3月盈三秋應歸還 For three autumns the moon waxed and waned and you ought to be back by now,
4 夢間重圓在此刻 Alas, ‘tis the perfect moment in the world of dreams, twain shall meet.
1 The frigid snow represents the resolve of the writer let in any temptation of no permanence (客) to slip into her heart.
2 She had done all that is in her power to remove all obstacles to her that separates her beloved from her. Only things beyond her control, but like the Milky Way separating the two celestial lovers. A subtlety here - when the Milky Way is seen clearly, this meant that there is no moon in the night.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qixi_Feival
3 Three years had passed, the moon had become full (reunions) many times. “So why are you not back yet” is the underlying question subtly lamented. This line ties neatly from the subtlety of the previous line.
4 A self-consolation. “Even we cannot meet physically, it is still fine to meet in dreams”. This gives hope to the waiting. 圓means “round”, “complete”, implying a full moon and a time of perfection as nothing is as perfect as a circle.
1 雪濃門閉綠春客 The snow is thick and the doors are closed to the greenery of passerby spring,
2 年長路遙頭尾隔 Long is the year and the ends of the road are so far apart.
3 夢中重逢一相見 If only in dreams once more met again,
4 待君歸時何幾刻 How long more is the wait for thee to return.
1 I would not be able to come up with this imagery!
2 Literally, the head and tail end of the road/year is being separated by the distance/time
4 In the original, the sex of the author is unknown. The first line tells us that spring is deliberated to be kept at bay by a closed door. Why was it so? This is a question that has to be answered so that the structure of the poem can coalesced smoothly. It is like baking, smoothing out all the lumps in the batter. Spring is a time of rebirth and carries the tones of sexuality. In the old days, women are expected to be chaste unlike the men. Hence, we can assume the person in the poem is a woman and in the fourth line, 君 is used to verify this. Culturally, it is considered bad taste to use the 1st person pronouns. Of course, if one is the master, all rules are cast to the winds. For example, in Li Po’s Question and Answer In the Mountain 問余何意棲碧山…You dwell amongst the green hills: You asked me why?
There is a number of problems with this version. All other lines do not have the same quality as the first. The second guideline was not observed. This is to be expected since the lines are constrained by the original author’s thoughts. Any deviation would have become a totally different poem written by someone else. This is not editing in my eyes. However, if this constraint were to be removed…
The he 2nd line was first to be changed. For me, the best way is to write out the poem repeatedly, like making changes to a draft. Also, it is not a waste of time as I will be practising my brush writing. I like killing two birds with one stone. Hopefully, in the midst, when the mind had wandered off momentarily, some Muse will come to the rescue…
雪濃門閉春綠客
牀前月明紗窗隔
三秋年長夢裡重 三秋歸期早已滿/過/盡
夢裡相逢惟今刻
Certainly, it is more polished but the imagery of 早已滿 is rather mundane. Again, more practice with the brush to come up with the following,
三秋期待應歸還
夢裡重逢在今刻
I prefer 重逢, “once more met” rather than 相逢 which suggests a first time meeting. The structure of the poem had become more solid,
雪濃門閉春綠客
牀前窗開銀河隔
三秋月明應歸還
夢裡相重在此刻
I thought this would be the end of the exercise but I was wrong. During the process of digitizing, more changes were made. I had reverted 春綠 to 綠春 so as to match up with the second line. It would be nice if it can become a couplet. At the same time, I was toying with明 with 滿, 圓 and團 before settling on 盈. Instead of 裡, I opted for間, for a better sound.
雪濃門閉綠春客
牀前窗開銀河隔
三秋月盈應歸還
夢間相重在此刻
When I was a kid, I always hear my maternal grandmother grumbling about 姑娘十三變, 上轎再三變, Thirteen changes in a girl’s life and when in the bridal sedan, thrice more she will transform! A poem is like a pretty maid, so many changes. Just as I was about to commit the poem into its bridal sedan as my brush writing was to be digitized, changes were made three more times. Little did I know then, that 姑娘十三變 can have another meaning. The terseness of the phrase, which I know now could mean “a maid of thirteen…”! It would be embarrassing to explain the birds and bees to a child.
The problem now is that 秋 and 間 belongs to the first tone. The repercussion of changing the words or the word order would involve more changes propagating all the way back to the first line. I would like to minimize the changes. At first, I tried the following,
月盈三秋應歸還
夢間重逢在此刻
Textually, this looked OK but when reading out the entire poem, something seemed a miss. I still have trouble in total understanding of the tonal rules. The safest bet for me is to let my ears be the guide. These sounds are Cantonese pronunciations as my oral Mandarin sucks. At the same time, 牀前 doesn’t seem to run logically smooth and the change became,
窗前簾捲銀河隔
This doesn’t not sound as smooth to my ears. 重逢 now seemed too predictable. I tried 稀杯捲簾 but no better. Since I am experimenting, might as well do a full scale drastic change…
濃雪封閉綠春客
稀紗推開銀河隔
月盈三秋應歸還
夢間重圓在此刻
Now I have doubled the problem of having same tones around the same place. 封推 and 開秋. Using圓 is an improvement though. 薄, I believe is a better replacement than 稀. I considered using 鎖 rather than 推 but then this will cause logic problems. More time was needed to doodle away the problem. In the end, I reverted to some of the older phrasing. Hopefully, in the future, as I gained more knowledge and understanding...
1 濃雪門閉綠春客 Heavy is the snow closing the doors to the greenery of passerby spring,
2 薄紗簾捲銀河隔 Thin is the silk rolling up the drapes but the Milky Way still separates us.
3月盈三秋應歸還 For three autumns the moon waxed and waned and you ought to be back by now,
4 夢間重圓在此刻 Alas, ‘tis the perfect moment in the world of dreams, twain shall meet.
1 The frigid snow represents the resolve of the writer let in any temptation of no permanence (客) to slip into her heart.
2 She had done all that is in her power to remove all obstacles to her that separates her beloved from her. Only things beyond her control, but like the Milky Way separating the two celestial lovers. A subtlety here - when the Milky Way is seen clearly, this meant that there is no moon in the night.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qixi_Feival
3 Three years had passed, the moon had become full (reunions) many times. “So why are you not back yet” is the underlying question subtly lamented. This line ties neatly from the subtlety of the previous line.
4 A self-consolation. “Even we cannot meet physically, it is still fine to meet in dreams”. This gives hope to the waiting. 圓means “round”, “complete”, implying a full moon and a time of perfection as nothing is as perfect as a circle.
February, 7, 2022
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