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Friday, May 6, 2011

Number One Scholar Chapter 3 - Excreting Block-Shaped Fecal Matter In the Hall of Mahavira

  
Copyright © 2011 - Jeff Loh. All rights reserved

Chapter 3 – Excreting Block-Shaped Fecal Matter In the Hall of Mahavira1.

Whether playing hide and seek, throwing stones or whatever pranks Ah Chui could think of, the most deplorable act to the monks was urinatingand defecating inside the temple. The way he did it was especially peculiar. By habit he would shit ferociously like some foul mouth spewing its contents right into the Treasure Collecting Bowl of the Great Hall of Mahavira. The more he did it, the greater the chance of being caught in the act by temple monks. Wah this was sacrilegious! The purity of Buddhist halls was soiled to no end with such foulness and stench! Lun Mun Chui however couldn’t care less and continued with his practice. When he was done, he sped off so fast like a demon that the monks could not catch hold of him.

Once, Ah Chui, on seeing no one was around headed straight into the Mahavira Hall and began his routine under a table, excreting his yellow and white matter in a ferocious manner when two monks caught whiff of the scent and alerted the rest of the monks who quickly surrounded Ah Chui. This way he was grabbed like a frog being weighed on scales2. The monks shouted,

“You rascal! Today is your doomsday. Just feed him with his own creation!”

One singer with a hundred harmonizing all shouting at once, Ah Chui was frightened out of his wits; his soul flew out yonder beyone the heavens; screaming bloody murder. Just right at this danger point, the old abbot, “Universal Illumination” of the temple, appeared and came closer to see what the commotion was about. He saw a little kid screaming away and he quickly inquired what the matter was. The bunch of monks explained that Ah Chui was always shitting in the Mahavira Hall. No matter what, he must be punished. The old Abbot peered at the little boy and a wave of compassion came over him. Quickly he ordered the monks to stand back and said,

“Back off all of you! I shall handle this matter!”

Then he turned to Ah Chui and asked for his name and where he lived. The old monk then asked,

“Did you really shit in the Mahavira Hall?”

Without a trace of fear, Ah Chui answered,

“Yes!”

And pointed his finger at the floor saying,

“This is my pile of shit!”

The old monk was pleased with the honest answer, followed Ah Chui’s finger and looked at the pile of shit. The moment the abbot saw the pile, he was stunned for a moment. This is because that pile of shit did not look like an ordinary pile like everyone else’s. Shit from people is normally either tubular or flat in shape, sometimes perhaps triangular but Ah Chui’s was a pile of rectangular shaped shit. The abbot was amazed and thought to himself,

“Hmmm… does this kid too have rectangular shaped intestines? This is like a breath of fresh air out of ten polluted ones. He must amount to grand nature in the future.”

Therefore he asked Ah Chui if he had ever studied. Ah Chui explained that his family was poor, relying on his mother eking out a living as a seamstress. No ability to send him to school. When the old monk heard his words, pity for Ah Chui welled in him. He told Ah Chui that from this day onwards, everyday he would give lessons personally to Ah Chui at the temple. Ah Chui for his part studied hard and became the apple of the abbot’s eye. The old monk loved the boy dearly and ordered the monks not to give any trouble to Ah Chui. Of course the monks had harbored grudges against Ah Chui before, but now that he had become the abbot’s pet, jealousy and hated within them grew greater and they despised Ah Chui to the core. Having the protection of the abbot, Ah Chui couldn’t care less about them. As usual he would somersaultwith other kids at play as if nothing had happened.

One day the Inspector General of Canton Wu Sum came to the West Zen Temple to offer incense. A large group of security detail came first to make preparations for the visit. Abbot “Universal Illumination” ordered all levels of the monkhood and regular visitors to the temple to prepare for the welcome. At this time, Ah Chui and his band of banshees3 were playing in the temple. Because Ah Chui was born with scale-like skin, he was nicknamed, “Warty Lun”.

Next Chapter: Mistaken For An Assassin!

Notes:

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

1. The main hall of a Buddhist temple where the historical Buddha is enshrined. Mahavira means Great Hero. Great denotes the immeasurable virtues of Buddha while hero means that Buddha is able to vanquish all demons and evil.

2. Cantonese love to eat frogs. They are called euphemistically as the “chicken of the rice paddy fields.” They are sold by weight.

3. See Cantonese note 2

三 大雄寶殿疴四方屎

或捉迷藏或掟石, 無所不為, 令人最討厭者, 則在寺中撒尿撒屎, 佢個鋪疴尿疴屎法, 寧舍疴得’ 啜核’1 每逢疴尿, 照例必在大雄寶殿個聚寶盆上猛疴, 疴得多, 就被寺中的和尚撞到, 嘩, 得了嘅, 佛門清淨, 俾你兒嘩鬼2疴得臭崩崩3, 污辣撻4! 但倫文敘却好小理, 依然一樣疴法, 疴完, 則飛跑而遁, 跑得又快, 個班和尚雖欲捉之, 不可得也. 有次, 亞敘乘人不覺, 又蹲响大雄寶殿一張杳案之下, 猛褪其黄白物, 不料早被两個和尚吼到, 當塲一叫, 四壁齊來, 立時將亞敘捉住, 秤蛤咁秤, 皆曰:

“今回你兒嘩鬼, 重唔死! 冇理佢, 照餵番俾佢食可矣!”

一唱百和, 嚇得亞敘魂飛天外, 鬼殺咁嘈, 正在危急之際, 忽遇西禪寺主持普照老和尚出到來, 見咁多人捉住一兒細路5, 喊打喊殺, 連忙上前問乜事? 個班和尚乃將亞敘時常在大雄寶殿疴屎之經過, 一五一十告之, 并謂此人非加以懲戒不可! 和尚睇睇亞敘, 小小年紀, 不禁動起慈悲之心, 即刻喝退眾和尚, 曰:

“你地行開, 等我處置可也.”

乃問亞敍姓乜名乜, 住在邊忽? 亞敘從容告之, 老和尚曰:

“你究竟有無在大雄寶殿疴屎?”

阿敍不諱, 曰:

“有!”

用手指住地下曰:

“個篤便是我疴者矣!”

老和尚喜其誠實, 欺6, 跟眼睇睇篤屎, 距料一睇之下, 當堂令老和尚為之愕然, 原來亞叙之屎, 與別不同, 別人之屎, 或圓或扁不定, 甚至三角形亦有, 但亞叙之屎, 疴出來却四四方方的, 不禁大以為奇, 心念這兒細路, 莫非的腸亦係四方者? 此乃十濁一清之格, 將來必為大貴人無疑, 於是和尚悅色問亞敘讀過書未? 亞叙乃話, 家中貧窮, 只靠寡母針番度日, 無力供書教學也. 老和尚聞言大憐之, 從此之後, 便日日叫亞敘來西禪寺, 由老和尚教之讀書. 亞敘亦用心學習, 老和尚乃對之鍾愛異常, 吩咐各僧以後不得難為亞敘. 點知其他和尚, 早已憎厭亞敍, 今見老和尚愛亞敘, 不禁妬恨交併, 對亞敘更加憎至入骨入肉, 亞敍則恃有老和尚做護符, 亦好小理, 依然同埋一班細路, 反斗如故焉, 一日, 有廣東巡撫吳琛, 來西禪寺進香, 一班隨衛士, 事先早來西禪寺佈置, 寺中普照老和尚, 亦率領各職級和尚知客之流, 準備迎接巡撫大人, 其時倫文敘適同一班嘩鬼在寺中玩耍, 亞敍因為生得週身亁癩, 汚糟辣撻, 花名叫癩倫.

Cantonese Notes

1. I never heard of this slang term before. From what I found out was the term could mean differently in different circumstances. One explained that the closest English equivalent is “that it is so funny that one is tickled pink”. Another explained that it is uncontrolled laughter and be embarrassed by the situation or their own laughter. Literally the first character mean, “to suck” as in sucking liquid with a straw or to suck up like in a kiss. The second one means “core” as in the fruit core, the core of the matter, nucleus etc. Perhaps the situation is so funny that one’s core is being sucked out by it.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Someone on ITALKI.com told me that it is slang for a rascal with foul mouth. Now it makes sense to me because the movie Rio, the Cantonese dubbed version has it as “啜核鸚鵡” which is a bad ass parrot.


2. The character I think used here is for the sound for “wee” for the common Cantonese expression, “wee 嘩鬼震”–wailing of ghosts that makes one shudder on hearing it. The closest situation is the Irish fear of the sound of the banshee. There is no standard character and therefore commonly written as喂. However this character is pronounced as “wei” as in the word for Cantonese hello on phone conversation.

3. It is very common in Cantonese to add words to make a verb become more lively or colorful. Usually these are sound words or onomatopoeia. Some English examples are chitty chitty bang bang, screechy scratchy.

4. Cantonese phrase meaning dirty. This is not the standard way of writing in Cantonese. It merely uses sounds from other characters. It is commonly written as污糟邋遢.


6. The character means bully but is used here for the sound like the English word, “Hey!”

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