Friday, May 6, 2011
Number One Scholar Chapter 3 - Excreting Block-Shaped Fecal Matter In the Hall of Mahavira
Chapter 3 – Excreting Block-Shaped Fecal Matter In the Hall of Mahavira1.
Whether playing hide and seek, throwing stones or whatever pranks Ah Chui could think of, the most deplorable act to the monks was urinatingand defecating inside the temple. The way he did it was especially peculiar. By habit he would shit ferociously like some foul mouth spewing its contents right into the Treasure Collecting Bowl of the Great Hall of Mahavira. The more he did it, the greater the chance of being caught in the act by temple monks. Wah this was sacrilegious! The purity of Buddhist halls was soiled to no end with such foulness and stench! Lun Mun Chui however couldn’t care less and continued with his practice. When he was done, he sped off so fast like a demon that the monks could not catch hold of him.
Once, Ah Chui, on seeing no one was around headed straight into the Mahavira Hall and began his routine under a table, excreting his yellow and white matter in a ferocious manner when two monks caught whiff of the scent and alerted the rest of the monks who quickly surrounded Ah Chui. This way he was grabbed like a frog being weighed on scales2. The monks shouted,
“You rascal! Today is your doomsday. Just feed him with his own creation!”
One singer with a hundred harmonizing all shouting at once, Ah Chui was frightened out of his wits; his soul flew out yonder beyone the heavens; screaming bloody murder. Just right at this danger point, the old abbot, “Universal Illumination” of the temple, appeared and came closer to see what the commotion was about. He saw a little kid screaming away and he quickly inquired what the matter was. The bunch of monks explained that Ah Chui was always shitting in the Mahavira Hall. No matter what, he must be punished. The old Abbot peered at the little boy and a wave of compassion came over him. Quickly he ordered the monks to stand back and said,
“Back off all of you! I shall handle this matter!”
Then he turned to Ah Chui and asked for his name and where he lived. The old monk then asked,
“Did you really shit in the Mahavira Hall?”
Without a trace of fear, Ah Chui answered,
And pointed his finger at the floor saying,
“This is my pile of shit!”
The old monk was pleased with the honest answer, followed Ah Chui’s finger and looked at the pile of shit. The moment the abbot saw the pile, he was stunned for a moment. This is because that pile of shit did not look like an ordinary pile like everyone else’s. Shit from people is normally either tubular or flat in shape, sometimes perhaps triangular but Ah Chui’s was a pile of rectangular shaped shit. The abbot was amazed and thought to himself,
“Hmmm… does this kid too have rectangular shaped intestines? This is like a breath of fresh air out of ten polluted ones. He must amount to grand nature in the future.”
Therefore he asked Ah Chui if he had ever studied. Ah Chui explained that his family was poor, relying on his mother eking out a living as a seamstress. No ability to send him to school. When the old monk heard his words, pity for Ah Chui welled in him. He told Ah Chui that from this day onwards, everyday he would give lessons personally to Ah Chui at the temple. Ah Chui for his part studied hard and became the apple of the abbot’s eye. The old monk loved the boy dearly and ordered the monks not to give any trouble to Ah Chui. Of course the monks had harbored grudges against Ah Chui before, but now that he had become the abbot’s pet, jealousy and hated within them grew greater and they despised Ah Chui to the core. Having the protection of the abbot, Ah Chui couldn’t care less about them. As usual he would somersaultwith other kids at play as if nothing had happened.
One day the Inspector General of Canton Wu Sum came to the West Zen Temple to offer incense. A large group of security detail came first to make preparations for the visit. Abbot “Universal Illumination” ordered all levels of the monkhood and regular visitors to the temple to prepare for the welcome. At this time, Ah Chui and his band of banshees3 were playing in the temple. Because Ah Chui was born with scale-like skin, he was nicknamed, “Warty Lun”.
Next Chapter: Mistaken For An Assassin!
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
1. The main hall of a Buddhist temple where the historical Buddha is enshrined. Mahavira means Great Hero. Great denotes the immeasurable virtues of Buddha while hero means that Buddha is able to vanquish all demons and evil.
2. Cantonese love to eat frogs. They are called euphemistically as the “chicken of the rice paddy fields.” They are sold by weight.
3. See Cantonese note 2
1. I never heard of this slang term before. From what I found out was the term could mean differently in different circumstances. One explained that the closest English equivalent is “that it is so funny that one is tickled pink”. Another explained that it is uncontrolled laughter and be embarrassed by the situation or their own laughter. Literally the first character mean, “to suck” as in sucking liquid with a straw or to suck up like in a kiss. The second one means “core” as in the fruit core, the core of the matter, nucleus etc. Perhaps the situation is so funny that one’s core is being sucked out by it.