I found the line too direct, without mystery and not poetic enough. In the end, a better way was found, "兩岸凡間淚" (Mortal tears on both banks). Here "banks" can refer to the physical banks of a river or figuratively that of the Milky Way.
The ambiguity of the first line creates mystery and has more color in that even though they may be immortals, their feelings are just same as human beings. I had also considered reversing the word order to "凡間兩岸淚" However, this translates to "In the mortal world, are tears on both banks", a much less colorful image.
To complete the poem, I always followed this mantra that the first line creates a theme. The second one expands on it and the third introduces a new theme or motif. The final fourth line ties everything together. As an example,
Two daughters of a silk merchant live in Kyoto.
The elder is twenty, the younger, eighteen.
A soldier may kill with his sword,
But these girls slay men with their eyes.
At this time, I was starting to learn rhyming schemes and so it became the highest priority and resulted in disconnection. By now my Muse had gone and found myself unable to complete the poem. My paltry knowledge and inexperience made this poem lie in an undisturbed condition until today. For those who are interested in the original, here's the link,
http://jeffinous.blogspot.com/2014/08/three-love-poems.html
A few weeks earlier, by chance, I had stumbled onto Youtube to this Chinese orchestra piece, 東海漁歌 (The Fisherman's song of the Eastern Ocean). There in the video, saw this minor dulcimer player whose gentle hammering on his instrument became the heartbeat of my soul. I was love struck and became so smitten that the entire night was spent watching the video over again and again; trying to burn that image into my mind so that I can bring it into my world of dreams.
My older physical self chided my sixteen year old heart for being such impetuosity.
"How would you get to meet the person? Where would you begin your search? How much is how much to spend on such whimsical frivolity? Remember you have house payments to make! Even if the person is found, what guarantees your heart would not be rendered to shreds?"
"Fate will bring us together! Nothing ventured nothing gained!" came the retort from the impassioned side.
"Sure! It is also the hand of Fate that twain shall never meet! Too many a journey up the hill will the tiger be eventually met".
Never to argue with logic and as usual, it prevailed but the ferverous passion of emotion charged forward to another direction in order to circumvent the reality.
In the end, this unsatisfying poem was dredged from the almost forgotten depths. It was easy to modify given such an aroused fervidity.
兩岸凡間淚, Though mortal tears are on both sides of the Banks,
七夕鵲橋聚. On the Seventh Night; upon the magpie bridge once more reunite,
便勝君一望, Is far better than one look at thee,
單心夢魂醉. And a single heart is unrequited because of your presence in my dream.
I am now satisfied at least until in the future, when I had gained more knowledge and experience for another change.
Notes:
1. Each line contains a number.
2. When read, the last line, 單心 is homphonous to丹心 (loyalty)
3. 君 may be the subject and is looking at the author. Then the last line makes no sense.
29 Dec 2018
兩岸凡間淚, Though mortal tears are on both sides of the Banks,
七夕鵲橋聚. On the Seventh Night; upon the magpie bridge once more reunite,
便勝君一望, Is far better than one look at thee,
單心夢魂醉. And a single heart is unrequited because of your presence in my dream.
I am now satisfied at least until in the future, when I had gained more knowledge and experience for another change.
Notes:
1. Each line contains a number.
2. When read, the last line, 單心 is homphonous to丹心 (loyalty)
3. 君 may be the subject and is looking at the author. Then the last line makes no sense.
29 Dec 2018
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