弄玉夢 - A Playful Jade for Me?

This poem is one of the most time consuming from its inception to its final form of now. It started as I doodled with the first line on the fourth day of this year, Two days later,

月暗星稀江水沉, The moon is dark and stars a few as the river flows forebodingly,

風冷微波夜半音. The wind is cold, the ripples are the midnight song.

廣寒情意非弄玉, The feelings of the Lunar Palace are not of those of Playful Jade,

笛曲獨解夜半心, Only the flute can set my  midnight heart free.

Playful Jade was the daughter of the Duke of the Chin State (The First Emperor's ancestors).  Being the favorite child, when she saw a tributary jade and never stopped playing with it.  Hence her name.  She was skilled in the playing the panpipes to which her father built the Phoenix Tower for her. The traditional Chinese panpipe has two long pipes represent the wings of the phoenix.  However, one is just for symmetric beauty and is not used.  When she became of age, she declared she would marry no one but the one who could  understand her music.  Her doting father acquiesced to her demand. 

One night on her tower, she heard flute music wafting into hers. A duet began. Immediately she knew who was to be her husband.  The next day, the Duke sent the prime minister to inquire the whereabouts of the source of the music.  A local told the minister that a young man had taken up residence on top of a nearby mountain recently and flute music was heard ever since.  Eventually, the young couple were married and led a happy life.  In the intervening years, their musical skills became so accompolished that during a full moon, as they played, a dragon and phoenix descended from the heavens.  She mounted on the phoenix while the husband on the dragon and both flew away to become immortals.

解 means "to release", "to solve", "to loosen" and by extension, "to understand".  The last line can therefore also be translated as "Only the flute can understand my midnight heart".  But given the context, "releasing" is a better translation.

As I was still not quite satisfied with the second line, eventually it morphed into,

船上橫曲冷風吟 A flute song upon a boat and the winds are sighing cold.

I did not like 吟 as it is homophonous with 淫 (lasciviousness) and so back to the drawing board I went. Finally, to save time, I asked a friend for suggestions as I was getting nowhere.  His advice was changing my "dark moon" into a "bright moon" for its glow will fade out the stars. It made sense.  At the same time I was asked why the usage of 沉.  The more obscure meaning is water moving slowly.  As such not good word choice on my part.  His other suggested changes were,

月冷星稀江水沉 The moon is bright, the stars are scattered and the river moves slowly
船上橫笛冷風吟
情濃意寒非弄玉 The passion is thick but the feelings are cold, not those of Playful Jade
曲獨解愁半夜音 Only the melody lifts the forlornness of these midnight sounds.

I like his changes, especially the last two lines but did not agree with the first.  I felt that if the moon was bright, one can see clearly the speed of the river and therefore not as foreboding.  After some  monkeying around,

月冷星稀漸西沉 The moon is cold and the scattered stars descend slowly into the west,
愁曲河泊山伴林 Sad songs moored by the river and the mountains by the forest.
廣寒非意作弄玉 Feelings of the Lunar Palace are not of those of Playful Jade,
休笛獨解奏人音The abandoned flute can only set free the midnight sounds.

All my concerns about the state of the brightness of the moon is now eliminated. This time my friend changed the second line to,

曲愁江弯山伴林 The melancholy song winds with the river by the forest

Again I like it very much but pride got in way for to me to use it. Also I don't want others to think that this is mine. I just have to come up with something better.  With this impetus, a total of nine days since the poem's inception, this version is something I can live with for the time being.

月冷星稀漸西沉,The moon is cold and scattered stars are setting slowly into the west,

歌醉銀河曲遍林. Inebriating the Milky Way with my song and my meolody overfloweth the forest,

廣寒非意作弄玉,But construe not the feelings of the Great Cold Palace as those of Playful Jade's,

伴笛獨解夜半音.Close to my flute to set my midnight feelings free.

After reading out aloud for a few times, the tones of second line doesn't seem quite right to me.  After more brain racking, I still had no luck when I decided to try rearranging the lines instead.  In the end, after many permutations and some changes, this one is finalized for time being.  Only the future knows.

月冷星稀夜半音,The moon is cold with the midnight music and scattered stars,

曲醉銀河漸西沉. And inebriating the Milking Way as it descends to the west.

廣寒非意並弄玉,Construe not the feelings of the Great Cold Palace as those of Playful Jade's,

笛韻更愁奏人心.The traverse flute plunges the player's saddened heart into greater depths.